Photo by Keith HInkle aka burningkarma
Everyone should have a plan. Here’s mine. (Shamelessly stolen from email.)
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare… You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”
Have a great holiday season!
Want more like this? For more recipes like this, that you can hold right in your hands, and write on, take notes, tear pages out if you want (Gosh, you're tough on books, aren't you?) you might be interested in How To Cook Like Your Grandmother, 2nd edition, Illustrated. Or to learn your way around the kitchen, check out Starting From Scratch: The Owner's Manual for Your Kitchen.
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13 Comments
aint that right – great work, Drew and merry merry!
Your last blip made me laugh out loud! I am hitting 40 so I needed that! WOO HOO Baby and BELIEVE ME I will have Wine or maybe Grey Goose in hand!
Merry Everything!
Kristen
This made me smile. It made me laugh. It made my day!
Merry Christmas!
I love it drew! Seriously, I have found that the friends I have who try to control themselves over the holidays invariably have an aweful january because they WISH they had just let themselves have some JOY! Have a wonderful season with your beautiful family and please, pass the gravy! All the best, Alex
You forgot the tip about having spare holes available in your belt.
Elastic. It’s all about the elastic.
Shame on you for tip #9!
This is “How to Cook Like Your Grandmother”, right? Well MY grandmother used to make a delicious fruitcake … rich, dense, loaded with nuts and candied fruit and alcohol. As a kid, I could easily have eaten the entire 9000 calorie loaf Christmas morning, but my dad would’ve killed me: He loved that cake too.
And judging by almost every other entry in this blog Drew, you would’ve loved it too. So c’mon man, why be a hater?
To be honest, I’ve never had one that was home-made. Which might be why I’ve never had one that was good.
Love it! I’ve also always loved that quote at the end, amen
I need clarification on the hot dog chili recipe – 1/2 cup of chili powder? 1 pound of meat and a 1 pound onion? I followed the recipe “word for word” – “measurement by measurement” – “item by item” – Please let me know since mine effort is a mess!
Sallie, chili has never been a very “by the book” recipe for me. I keep tasting and adjusting as I go, which is why I pointed out the ingredients picture didn’t show as much tomato paste as I ended up using. Same with the chili powder.
For the onion, you can see the size of the onion I used. I always work with a whole onion, or a half onion, or whatever is left from the last time I cooked with onion. Which means I put in the ingredients an approximation of how much was there after I diced it. In this case I just listed the weight as about a pound, because that’s how much that large onion weighed. Had I used two smaller onions it might have been more or less than a pound.
For the chili powder, I’d start with a few tablespoons and work up to the flavor you want. Keep tasting as you go, only you can tell when it’s how you like it.
The key point on chili sauce for dogs vs. chili I’d eat on its own or with nachos, is that the sauce is much heavier on the onion and lighter on the tomato.
I saw the title of this and was, to be honest, a bit flabbergasted and maybe even a tad offended. Offended, that is, that anyone would even think about thinking about giving holiday eating tips, let alone actually doing so. My first thought upon reading the title of this article? “Holiday eating tips? What the hell, is the author of this f**king (pardon) insane? The only holiday eating tip anyone is ever going to need is ‘Stuff your face until you can stuff no more, take a nap, and repeat.’”
I’m not entirely sure what came over me, but whatever it was made me decide to read this, and I must admit – I was pleasantly surprised. Kudos on your fabulous tips.
And yes, I know it’s a bit late (or early? It seems like December’s just around the corner, can’t wait!) to be posting comments on this, but I happen to have just stumbled upon it now. =P
Oh good lord, it is getting near holiday season again, isn’t it?